The perils of being an indie author.

Piracy, trolls, non-existent sales are the nemesis of every writer. A short breakdown of the terms for the uninitiated:

Piracy [act of criminal violence at sea]. Men with clunky earrings, smelly hair and rotten teeth are long gone (I think?). Computer geeks do the deeds. Music, films, and e-books alike are being pirated, free-loaded, shared. Artists worldwide pull out hair and clench teeth. Their work seems to spread like fire - for free, no royalties earned, poverty threatens.

Troll [supernatural being of the Norse mythology, rarely helpful]. The modern-day troll has the appearance of a human being. But there is one notable difference: Trolls follow the motto “stomp on people to make them smaller”. This species can be found in any ecosystem of the www, typically in the wake of an author (filmmaker, journalist, or any other public figure) leaving vitriolic footprints.

Non-existent sales [sales that amount to zero] More feared than the above and can be described as a state of complete stasis. Typically, the author stares at the computer screen, hoping desperately for the first customer to click the “buy” button. It usually takes between two seconds and several years to happen, but predictions are often inaccurate.

Indie author [scribbler with superhuman powers] Individuals with head-through-the-wall attitude who can do everything from writing to marketing, editing, cover design and public relations. They rarely sleep.

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We indie authors don't have that soft cushion others call "big publishing house" to protect us from evil forces of a writer’s life. One could wine constantly. But one shouldn’t. While piracy and trolls are probably a good thing, non-existent sales are unforgivable.

The market is flooded with e-books. You want to publish? Picture your work as a grain of sand on a large beach. Now try to stick out.

Your book doesn’t sell? Welcome to the club! Start doing your homework. Spend a month Google searching for e-book marketing tricks and learn as much as possible. Marketing your book at least three months before publication will result in higher initial sales. Get a Goodreads account and post your first chapters there, then list a free giveaway to start the buzz. Get a LibraryThing account and list a free giveaway there, too. In fact, try to get rid of as many free e-books as possible and kindly ask your readers for a feedback on Amazon and Goodreads. You need reviews to get people to buy your book. Once you are published, price your e-book at 2.99 - 4.99 US$. Anything cheaper will not increase your sales, unless you have a sales event and bargain hunters are your target. If you haven’t done so already, open Facebook and Twitter accounts and simply be yourself. Do not spam. Ever! People on the receiving end will soon shut you off. Enjoy your first sales and celebrate! Write you next book. Your readers are eagerly awaiting it.

Piracy cannot be helped. No matter how loud you scream for the police or the devil. But it might work in your favour by spreading the word for you. Remember, for the word-of-mouth to spread, you’ll need a lot of mouths! 
As I found links to pirated versions of my book on file-sharing sites, I freaked and sent them acidic emails. Now, a month later, I came to like my “pirates” very much. They taught me how to properly format my e-books and which programs to use. Now, my books are posted on their site and I keep providing them with the newest editions. In return, some of them buy my books and recommend them to their friends. How many book sales will be lost or gained, I cannot tell. But to me, having readers is more important than sitting on a pile of stories no one ever came to enjoy.

Trolls, on the other side, are a very different matter. There is nothing to be learned from them. They want to hurt feelings and careers, have to vent frustration and must find a target. As my troll struck the first time, my poor little writer’s heart bled. But, inadvertently, she helped selling my book. In response to her behaviour, I wrote a friendly blog post about the advantages of trolls in general and spread the link on Twitter, Facebook and Goodreads. People who had not know my book suddenly noticed it. People who had read it felt the urge to post positive reviews and some who hadn’t bought it yet went to buy it and then left more positive feedback. What a wonderful surprise that was and balm for the wounded writer’s heart.

My troll also tried to teach me how to write. She told me the trick to a good story is not to believe in it. But I’m a hopeless case. My characters populate my house. We argue, cry and laugh together and I’ll sorely miss them once I finished the Kronberg Crimes trilogy.

I wonder where my troll would go then and if all the pirates would still tip their tattered pirate hats at me, smiling and thinking “Isn’t that the crazy chick?”

PS: As noted by Anonymus, you could set up your own e-book store. Here is how.